You opened doors for me to see the world; you struggled & prodded on even in the face of defeat, oppression and depression. You allowed me to see a snippet of the world, a bird’s eye view from between the grey clouds.
Though the emotions were not clear, at most Love was not shared. You cared, fought tough & worked hard for our bread. You never set us up short or let us go without. At times yes I begged inside, for you to say out loud. “I am proud, I am proud!”
There were times I cried to tell you, but the words were lost in fear & so they fell through. Through the cracks on my lips, to hide the scars on my hips, the twisted fate that did exist. I hope one day hope my child won’t picture this.
You tried to be so strong, through efforts and many times being so wrong. But who am I now to cast a stone, for glass houses is where I roam. Glass houses in the streets, with dirty cracks beneath my feet.
Lessons learnt though, many a times, not only trying to make it rhyme but it is here where it fits in. I am me now, I shall not hide nor can I pretend. You helped me up, you had my back, Mum I Am Sorry I acted up.
You kept it moving, you denied my freedom but at what cost, if now I am the one leading. I thank you dearly; not only for the nine months, the effortless bouts of pain, tears & hurting on numerous occasions. But for the belief that one day will come. When I too would understand what it means to be a Mum.
The pain, grief, the hurting, emotional baggage and psychological burdens, the immense immediate attraction, the Love, the guilt for wanting to be me, the lack of self worth, at times the dissatisfaction. The complete loyalty and gratifying feelings, the natural highs that make you look down at the ceiling.
I hold my hands up to all my wrongs, for I did not know then what I do now. Do not stone me for being wrong, Thou hath no fury. I am timid though I talk strong, a role to play for all to see, an act, impression, me hiding behind the real me. A soft, heavy hearted emotional creature who desires love & respect from all, especially you Mum.
I pray, I weep, for I know one day my soul shall sleep and when that day comes knocking. My child, My Love, please understand I was Human first before I became Mum.
I’ll promise to try, to Love without shame. I promise I’ll not live vicariously through your name. I, Me, the person I have become, through all my mistakes, short comings & mis-leadings and misguided wrongs.
Please remember, I am Only Human first before I am Mum.
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